The toasts

From The Colonel's Website

A new regular feature of Colonel's missions, the toasts originated on Mission 15 15 Geneva. After a strenuous hike up La dole, the men surveyed the spread out landscape beneath, and were moved to mark the occasion with a toast. The chosen toastee was Mayor Boris, who had recently attained office; the vehicle of the toast, a can of Feldschloesschen lager.

Since then, at lunchtime on the excursion day, the men toast various luminaries of different types. Oddly, the toasts are not associated with any particular mascot, nor are they an application.

Mission Location and vehicle of toast New toast
Mission 15 15 Geneva La Dôle with Feldschloesschen lager To someone who has recently attained office
Mission 16 16 Athens Lykavittos Hill To someone who has recently died
Mission 17 17 36 Porto Croft's distillery, Porto, with Croft's port To someone beardoed, moustachioed or shavoed
Mission 18 18 Berlin Christmas market, Alexanderplatz To a mentalist
Mission 19 19 Valletta Ramla Bay, Gozo, with Cisk lager and Kinnie To a Canadian
Mission 20 20 Bruges De Garre, with their Belgian home brew To someone with silver hair
Mission 21 21 Budapest János-hegy hill, with various Hungarian beers To an alleged cheat
Mission 22 22 Lisbon Beside the river in Belém, with Sagres and Super Bock beer To a potential eighth Colonel's man
Mission 23 23 Copenhagen In a Christmas shack in the courtyard of Kronborg Slot, with mustard Dan Cake and various Danish beers To a seasonal chanteur
Mission 24 24 Arnhem On a graffittied wall overlooking the Rhine, with Hertog Jan and another beer To a military hero
Mission 25 25 Ghent On the Lion Mound at Waterloo with a selection of Belgian beers To an idiotic former draw destination
Mission 26 21 26 Garmisch-Partenkirchen

Up the Zugspitze with boiling Hacker-Pschorr beer and on The Wank with the remains of the Hacker-Pschorr To a demented statement made on a Colonel's Break
Mission 27 27 Sofia At the summit of Vitosha with miscellaneous cans of cheap-but-good local beer To a noted user of public transport
Mission 28 28 Vienna

  • On a bench in the vineyards of Unterloiben
  • On the wall beneath Richard the Lionheart's castle
  • At the bottom of the hill beneath the castle, amongst historical figures
  • A special lifetime achievement toast
  • To a fair point made on a Colonel's break
Mission 29 29 Luxembourg (City)
  • In the car park of Match, Niederanven
  • At the top of Bourscheid Castle's central tower
  • El Compañero, a tapas bar in Luxembourg City
To someone who has recently left office
Mission 30 30 Bergen Revurtjern hut,

near Fløyen

(no new toast)
Mission 31 31 Kraków

  • The dining room of the Airbnb
  • The basement bar C.K. Browar with various beers including a selectoid
  • At the bottom of the Wieliczka Salt Mine
  • On the toastamead of the Airbnb
To a nice German
Mission 32 32 Rome
  • The Airbnb's upstairs patio
  • On a rock at the end of Anzio, until the tide came in
(no new toast)
Mission 33 33 Bayeux
  • The Airbnb's dining table
  • La Conquerant pub
  • Bar Brasserie La Din’Nette
  • Pointe du Hoc
  • The American Cemetery
  • Arromanches
To a Geordie
Mission 34 34 Skipton

  • The Boathouse
  • The summit of Ingleborough
  • Skipton Castle, overlooking the waterfall
For a good choice
Mission 35 35 Kendal
  • In the living room and kitchen
  • By the lake on the way down from Helvellyn
  • Pedro's Casa restaurant
  • On a memorial bench near Scout Scar
To a great invention
Mission 36 36 Rye
  • At the Waterworks micropub
  • At the Oast
  • By the Hidden Truths sculpture on the 1066 Country Walk
  • At the Battle Tap
  • At the Three Legs Taproom
To a very funny thing

To the stammtisch

Mission 37 34 37 Sarajevo
  • In the Fabrika Gastro Pub
  • At the top of the mountain
  • On the old bobsled track
  • In the Celtic Pub
* A special lifetime achievement toast
  • To a prolific user of private transport
Mission 38 38 Tórshavn
  • On a bench near a church
  • A waterfall on Vágar island
  • At the Beer Hub
  • At the highest point on the Faroe Islands
  • At the AirBnB
* For recently losing weight


Toastees

Toast Toastees Notes
To someone who has recently attained office
  • 15: New Mayor of London, Mayor Boris Johnson
  • 16: New President of the USA, Barack Obama
  • 17: New President of the RSPB, Kate Humble
  • 18: New head of department at Leeds University
  • 19: New presenters of Countryfile Julia Bradbury and Matt the Farmer
  • 20: New Lecturer Mike
  • 21: New Doctor Christophe Moules
  • 22: Woy Hodgson, England manager
  • 23: New Canadian Governor of the Bank of England Mark Carney
  • 24: New Prime Minister of Australia Tony Abbott (proposed by David)
  • 25: New director of McLaren Ron Dennis (Mike)
  • 26: New Head of DHS research funding and replacement for Leland, Michelle Colby (Mike)
  • 27: New Shadow International Development Secretary Diane Abbott (David)
  • 28: New Mentalist Prime Minister Theresa May (Mike)
  • 29: New UK representative to the International Arctic Science Committee, Steve (Dave)
  • 30: New councillor for Gospel Oak, Jenny (Rupert)
  • 31: New Brexit minister Dominic Raab (Dave)
  • 32: New MEP for South West England Ann Widdecombe (Mike)
  • 33: New MP for Newbury Laura Ferris (David)
  • 34: New Chair of SPI-M Graham Medley (Mike?)
  • 35: Newly appointed Second Dog of Steve's household Skye a.k.a. Victor (Dave)
  • 36: New Chairman of Yorkshire County Cricket Club Lord Patel (David)
  • 37: New King, King Charles III (Mike)
  • 37: New Prime Minister of Italy, Georgia Meloni (David)
  • 38: New host of the Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan (Mike)
To someone who has recently died
  • 16: Dead Paul Newman
  • 17: Dead Farrah Fawcett
  • 18: Dead Stephen Gately
  • 19: Dead Gerard Kelly (Bunny from Extras)
  • 20: Dead Leslie Nielsen
  • 21: Dead Bubba Smith
  • 22: Dead Frank Carson
  • 23: Dead Clive Dunn
  • 24: Dead Seamus Heaney (Dave)
  • 25: Dead Roger Lloyd Pack (David)
  • 26: Dead Garibaldi (David)
  • 27: Dead Cilla Black (Mike)
  • 28: Dead Ronnie Corbett (David)
  • 29: Dead Yorkshireman Gorden Kaye (David)
  • 30: Dead Keith 'Cheggers' Chegwin (Mike)
  • 31: Dead Burt Reynolds (Mike)
  • 32: Dead Peter Mayhew (Mike)
  • 33: Dead Bob Willis (Mike)
  • 34: Dead Eddie Large
  • 35: Dead Jackie Mason (David)
  • 36: Dead Shane Warne (Mike)
  • 37: Dead Mrs McClusky, dying the same day as the Queen (David)
  • 38: Dead Mike Yarwood (Mike)
To someone beardoed, moustachioed or shavoed
  • 17: Beardo Pelham Barton (and recruit)
  • 18: Moustachioed Des Lynam
  • 19: Shavoed Vernon Kay
  • 20: Shavoed Leslie Nielsen
  • 21: Mutton Chopsoed Chester Arthur
  • 22: ?
  • 23: Beardo Christoffer from the Bishop's Arms, Malmö
  • 24: Moustachioed Allan Border (Steve)
  • 25: Beardo Hideous Orangutan - from Fawlty Towers (Steve)
  • 26: Shavoed Jon Lee from S Club 7 (Mike)
  • 27: Moustachioed Samarjit Patnaik (Steve)
  • 28: Newly-Moustachioed Nigel Farrage (Steve)
  • 29: Beardoed Romesh Ranganathan (Mike)
  • 30: Not-particularly-shavoed Rupert (Mike)
  • 31: Beardoed Dave (proposed by Mike)
  • 32: Mustachioed Kevin Webster (?)
  • 33: Long-haired Bryan May (David)
  • 34: Beardoed dead Charles Darwin (Mike)
  • 35: Mustachioed Paul Chuckle (Mike)
  • 36: Mustachioed CAMRA guy in the Waterworks (Mike)
  • 37: Bearded Jack Black, recently spotted on Hollywood Boulevard (Mike)
  • 38: Beardoed Most of the Vikings (Mike)
To a mentalist
  • 18: Mentalist in Casa Mexicana
  • 19: Mentalist Robert from Duty Free
  • 20: Mentalist Leslie Nielsen
  • 21: The mentalist in Comics whom we failed to get a destination from
  • 22: Mentalist Brian Paddick
  • 23: Mentalist restauranteur (and alleged purchaser of the world's entire supply of Donkey Cheese) Novak Djoković
  • 24: Mentalist Boris Johnson (Dave)
  • 25: Mentalist David Blaine (Mike)
  • 26: Mentalist Putin (David)
  • 27: Mentalist Jeremy Corbyn (David)
  • 28: Mentalist Donald Trump (Chris)
  • 29: Mentalist David Icke (Mike)
  • 30: Mentalist Canadian MP Nancy Ruth, who proposed to change the Canadian National Anthem to be gender neutral (David)
  • 31: Mentalist Andrzej the Pirate (Mike)
  • 32: Mentalist Roy Lancaster, for leaving a one-star review of Anzio's Beach Head War Cemetery despite never having gone himself (Mike)
  • 33: Mentalist dead Derek Acorah (Mike) most haunted
  • 34: Mentalist George Galloway, for uniting the unionist vote in Scotland (Mike)
  • 35: Mentalist Caligula (David)
  • 36: Mentalist King Harold for fighting a battle at Stamford Bridge and then walking all the way to Battle (Mike)
  • 37: Mentalists two Boris Vishnevskys, who ran for election against the real Boris Vishnevsky in St Petersburg (David)
  • 38: Mentalist who saw reported a ritual mass murder to the Lincolnshire Police but [it was a yoga class|https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lincolnshire-66742339] (Dave)
To a Canadian
  • 19: Canadian Greg Rusedski
  • 20: Canadian Leslie Nielsen
  • 21: Canadian William Shatner
  • 22: Canadian Alain Robidoux
  • 23: Canadian Mike Nolan
  • 24: Canadian Michael J Fox (David)
  • 25: Canadian Dan Aykroyd (Mike)
  • 26: Canadian Bill Werburniuk (Mike)
  • 27: Canadian Rachel McAdams (Mike)
  • 28: Canadian John Candy (David)
  • 29: Canadian Justin Trudeau (David)
  • 30: Canadian MP Nancy Ruth (Mike)
  • 31: Canadian Tom Smylie, Senior Veterinarian at the Canadian Food Inspection Agency (Mike)
  • 32: Canadian Tim Horton (Steve)
  • 33: (?)
  • 34: Canadian Rob Harbron (Dave)
  • 35: Canadian-born Emma Raducanu (Chris)
  • 36: Canadian mentalist Elon Musk (Mike)
  • 37: Canadian Dan Olsen, YouTuber and cryptocurrency hater (Dave)
  • 38: Canadian comedy troupe The Kids In The Hall (Rupert)
To someone with silver hair
  • 20: Silver Haired Leslie Nielsen
  • 21: Silver Haired Phillip Schofield
  • 22: Platinum Blonde Mayor Boris Johnson
  • 23: Silver Haired Jonathan Edwards
  • 24: Silver-haired tractor driver Gary Lineker (Dave)
  • 25: Silver-haired racing driver Kimi Raikkonen (Dave/Steve)
  • 26: Silver-haired Harry Gration (Steve)
  • 27: Silver-haired Geoffrey from Rainbow (Steve)
  • 28: Silver-Haired Damon Hill (Mike)
  • 29: Silver-haired David Jason (Mike)
  • 30: Silver-haired Tony Moules (Mike)
  • 31: Silver haired Joe Johnson (not the snooker player) (Dave)
  • 32: Silver-haired Brian Tilsley (Steve)
  • 33: Silver-haired Dead David Bellamy (Dave)
  • 34: Silver-haired Winston, our AirBnB host (Mike)
  • 35: Partially silver-haired Luna (Steve)
  • 36: Silver-haired HM The Queen, in her Jubilee year (David)
  • 37: Intermittently silver-haired (and mental) Tandy (Dave)
  • 38: Raven-haired #3 from Montenegro (Dave)
To an alleged cheat
  • 21: Alleged cheat S X Ma
  • 22: Alleged ([since reformed]) cheat Dwain Chambers
  • 23: Cheat Tecwen Whittock
  • 24: Alleged cheat Stephen Lee (David)
  • 25: Alleged cheat François Hollande (Steve)
  • 26: Alleged cheats Blatter & FIFA (Mike)
  • 27: Alleged cheats The New England Patriots (Mike)
  • 28: Alleged cheat Hillary Clinton (David)
  • 29: Alleged cheat Mike's Indonesian collaborator, who is being investigated for academic dishonesty (Mike)
  • 30: Alleged tennis cheat Dan Evans (David)
  • 31: Alleged cheat Sir Robin Wales (Dave)
  • 32: Cheats David Warner and Steve Smith (Mike)
  • 33: Alleged cheat Alastair Carter (Mike)
  • 34: Alleged tax cheat John McAfee (Dave)
  • 35: Love cheat Matt Hancock (David, based on Mike's idea)
  • 36: Alleged cheat Christian Horner (Mike)
  • 37: Alleged cheat chess grandmaster Hans Niemann (Mike)
  • 38: Alleged cheat Hunter Biden (David)
To a potential eighth Colonel's man
  • 22: Jon Voight
  • 23: Dead Don Ameche
  • 24: Devon Malcolm (David)
  • 25: Keith (David)
  • 26: [That Dog] (David)
  • 27: Fabrizio Figer / Finger (Dave)
  • 28: Angel (Mike)
  • 29: Lord Bernard of Bourscheid (David)
  • 30: Synthetic Elon Musk in 2042 (Mike)
  • 31: Military hero Johnson Beharry (Mike)
  • 32: Mentalist Chuka Umunna (proposed by Dave)
  • 33: Sean Pertwee (Mike, but David made it happen)
  • 34: Luna (David)
  • 35: Pate from Soccer Boss (Mike & David)
  • 36: The red-bearded Alan of Richmond (Mike)
  • 37: Hank, Dave's plasterer (Mike)
  • 38: The Faroese Rhod Gilbert (Mike)
To a seasonal chanteur
  • 23: Mentalist Christmas pop smash artist Mr. Blobby
  • 24: Terry Wogan, for his timeless "Floral Dance" (Steve)
  • 25: Chris Rhea (Mike)
  • 26: Mel Smith, for 'Rocking Around The Christmas Tree' (Steve)
  • 27: East 17, for 'Stay Another Day' (Steve)
  • 28: (no toast)
  • 29: Blondin (David)
  • 30: Chris Rea (Mike) (Not to be confused with the more obscure, but equally seasonal, Chris Rhea Mike toasted in Mission 25 25 Ghent)
Retired by agreement after Mission 30 30 Bergen
To a military hero
  • 24: Lt Col John Frost (David)
  • 25: Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington (David)
  • 26: The Red Baron (David)
  • 27: Lt. Colonel Wilfrith Elstob, V.C. (Mike)
  • 28: Richard the Lionheart (David)
  • 29: Lt. Winters (Mike)
  • 30: Dave's Grandfather (David)
  • 31: General Wladyslaw Andres (David)
  • 32: Pvt. B. Roberts (? Mike or David?)
  • 33: CSM Hollis, V.C. (David)
  • 34: Edward IV (David)
  • 35: Pen Farthing, for evacuating a plane full of dogs from Afghanistan (Mike)
  • 36: Volodymyr Zelensky (David)
  • 37: Captain Bligh (Mike)
  • 38: Viking Hero and early visitor to England Ragnar Lodbok (Dave)
To an idiotic former draw destination
To a demented statement made on a Colonel's Break
  • 26: "Dave and I will see you later!" (David / Mike)
  • 27: "You, fuck you, you are a piece of fucking shit" (Mike)
  • 28: "That reminds me of the Monty Python sketch" (David)
  • 29: "Justin Trudeau has been around for ages" (Mike) (see above)
  • 30: "I'm going to buy this cheese with prawns in it" (David) (may not have actually been said)
  • 31: "I'm going to reinstate Louis' round" (David, quoting Mike)
  • 32: "How about you just have two pizzas and some meat" (David)
  • 33: “Definitely called my bus” (David, quoting Rupert)
  • 34: "I'm asking you nicely" (Mike)
  • 35: That we should descend Helvellyn on Swirral Edge (David)
  • 36: "Dr Wine is available everywhere" (David)
  • 37: "Let's use [path up the mountain] K2 instead of H1" (David)
  • 38: "This beer is brewed with sheep shit" (David)
To a noted user of public transport
  • 27: Angel, for helping us navigate the buses to the base of the mountain (Dave)
  • 28: Her Majesty The Queen (David)
  • 29: Rosa Parks (David)
  • 30: Robert from "Duty Free" from 19 Valletta (Dave)
  • 31: Rupert, who crossed Sussex on route to this Colonel's break (Dave)
  • 32: Greta Thunberg (Dave)
  • 33: Carlos Ghosn (the CEO who escaped on bullet train) (Dave)
  • 34: Dominic Cummings (who thought he was using private transport, but someone spotted him) (Dave)
  • 35: Prolific user of Public Footpaths Cumbrian Brian Glover? (Mike)
  • 36: Recent prolific user of public transport Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe (Dave)
  • 36: Prolific user of Articulated Lorries David Cameron (Mike)
  • 37: The world heads of state taking a bus to the Queen's funeral (David)
  • 38: The Montenegrin Women's Football Team (Mike)
Special lifetime achievement toast
  • 28: The Lifetime Achievements of Terry Wogan (Mike)
  • 37: The Lifetime Achievements of The Queen (Mike)
To a fair point made on a Colonel's break
  • 28: "Why you get off 96?" (Steve)
  • 29: "If you scientists can't save the world, us artists are going to have to get up and do something" (David)
  • 30: "We'll never be able to tramp 15 miles through deep snow in the time available" (David)
  • 31: "This selectoid cost £3. How much did the one in Bergen cost?" (David, quoting Mike)
  • 32: "Let me call my boss" (David)
  • 33: “You can use your magic heart” (?, quoting Mike, about a game of Bang!)
  • 34: "Well then you should have told him to bugger off then" (Steve, quoting Winston)
  • 35: That the staff at the Fell Bar should have considered the size of their pizzas when buying tables (Dave)
  • 36: "There's a muddy patch coming up. I couldn't find a way around it." (Dave, quoting a runner we met on a path)
  • 37: "Well I just toasted Zoltan" (Dave & David)
  • 38: "We will experience turbulence during landing" (David)
To someone who has recently left office
  • 29: Douglas Carswell (Dave)
  • 30: Tim Farron (Mike)
  • 31: Dominic Raab (Dave) (see above)
  • 32: Fiona Onasanya (David)
  • 33: Jo Swinson (?)
  • 34: 73 UK MEPs (David)
  • 35: The mentalist Mike Pence (Mike)
  • 36: Marina Osvyannikova, for presenting an anti-war placard on Russian TV news (Dave)
  • 37: Richard Osman, co-host of Pointless (Mike)
  • 38: Hansi Flick, former manager of the German football team (Mike)
To a nice German
  • 31: Nice German Claus von Stauffenberg (David)
  • 32: Nice German Max Planck (David)
  • 33: Moderately nice German Rommel (David)
  • 34: Nice German Alexander Rothenberger, a former lab partner (Dave)
  • 35: Nice German Thomas Muller, for missing an open goal against England in the World Cup (Mike)
  • 36: Nicer than expected German Sebastian Vettel, for refusing to compete in the Russian GP (David)
  • 37: Nice German Zoran, Mike's Taekwondo sparring partner (Mike)
  • 38: Nice German Selina from Dave's Morris Side (Dave)
A Geordie
  • 33: Geordie Bill Dunn, commander of the Juno Beach Churchill AVRE 1 Charlie tank (Dave)
  • 34: The Geordie Mark Wild, CEO of Crossrail (Dave)
  • 35: The Geordies dressed as white mammals (goats we think, or possibly sheep or cows) we met climbing Helvellyn (Dave)
  • 36: The Geordie Peter Beardsley (Mike)
Retired by Big Rich Lionheart after Mission 37 34 37 Sarajevo
For a good choice
  • 34: For a good choice, Tom (Dave)
To a great invention
  • 35: The invention of the two-step process for cleaning a Vitoshan Dog with leaves and Dirt (Steve)
  • 36: The Oast to dry hops (Dave)
  • 37: The concrete bobsled run (Dave)
  • 38: Roasting malt with sheep dung to make stout (Dave)
To a very funny thing
  • 36: A very funny thing Italy beating Wales in the Six Nations (David) (not universally approved)
  • 37: A very funny thing getting knocked back in both Bosnian and Italian trying to get a destination from a mentalist (David)
  • 38: A very funny thing Ferdinand McFatCat's guts squeezed out (David)
To the stammtisch
  • 36: To the first Stammtisch in a round room* (David)
To a noted user of private transport
  • 37: To David Schultz, for not wearing mask on plane (Mike)
For recently losing weight

*He means a bollock